


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,174 (Part II)

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [51]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-22 10:36:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8282819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: The weekly satirical saga continues... THE TANGLE ON TATOOINE: Darth Vader vs. Darth Maul & Mace "Kilgore" Windu! The ultimate Sith battle royale!!!
www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com





	

TATOOINE - Day 1,174 (Part II):

Three dead monsters. 

There were three dead monsters within shouting distance of me. And, of course, the bitter irony of it was that they all wanted me dead. None of them would stay dead themselves, and I should know because I "killed" all of them!

It appeared that Kilgore and Maul had joined forces to rally against Vader. I guess Kilgore's attempted coup failed miserably, which is why he fled back to Tatooine. But at least now I understood that it was Maul who had trained Kilgore in the dark arts, and that it was also he who was in the container floating in space. Kilgore had a Sith ace up his sleeve, and now we would see if it was going to pay off.

A small crowd from Mos Eisley was forming around the dueling Sith. I, myself, was so overwhelmed with seeing these three individuals that I didn't know who to root for. 

I had just been with Kilgore ten days ago when he nearly blew me up, then escaped with the Wookiee prisoners. Formerly Mace Windu. Formerly my ally. He had actually died twice, once when Palpatine threw him out of a window, and once when I dropped him off a cliff. He wanted me dead because Anakin Skywalker betrayed him, and I was protecting the son of his enemy. 

The last time I saw Maul, he had murdered my first true love, Duchess Satine. Then a short while later he murdered Jedi Master Tiplee. Maul, killer of my own Master, is my sworn enemy. He of course, wanted me dead because I sliced the bastard in half, which robbed him of his place at Palpatine's side. 

And Vader, well, I beat him like the whiny bitch he was. Limbless and on fire, I felt safe to walk away. But like the others, he survived. He, once my Padawan and friend, most of all deserved to die. Vader wanted to kill me for all kinds of stupid and delusional Sith reasons. 

The battle between the three was amazing! Maul's windmill-like acrobatics, as he spun his dual saber, seemed to surprise even Vader, who of course had never faced him before. Kilgore had a more 'stand and fight' attitude, with the occasional backhanded swing that came out of nowhere. Anakin/Vader's fighting style had completely changed. No longer quick and graceful, his life-suit made him slow and clunky. He fought as if he had a lightsaber hilt stuck up his ass. But I could sense that his power had grown immensely. 

Three of the most powerful and deadly beings in the galaxy, and they couldn't sense me watching them with my electrobinoculars. Or at least, they didn't acknowledge my presence. And Vader being on the same planet as myself and his son, was not good. Once of us needed to leave Tatooine before he sensed me. For once, I was relieved that drunken Uncle Owen had kidnapped Luke and was in hiding. 

Maul did an amazing flip over Vader, and slapped the top of Vader's helmet as a taunt. At the same time, Kilgore lunged forward. Vader defended himself from the attackers on each side, then Force pushed them in opposite directions. They flew back further than I thought possible. Vader levitated his two opponents and then smashed them into one other. The new Dark Lord of the Sith was too smart and much too strong for them.

What really grinds my gears is that Anakin's downfall was all because of a chick. He was totally whipped, and terrified of losing her like he did his precious mommy. But in actuality his mother's death was his own damn fault. He could have come back to Tatooine at any time to liberate her, but he would always say, "No Master Kenobi, I hate sand! Let's go fight some bad guys! My mom’s not going anywhere." Then his dumb ass got duped into trusting old Palps. Next thing you knew he's killing younglings, Force choking his woman, and then she's suddenly losing "the will to live." I mean how stupid did that medical droid think we were?! "Lost the will to live," with two lovely babies that she just gave birth to?! No, it had Palpatine's stench all over it. Palps was syphoning Padmé's life force out of her and putting it into Vader. I mean, I can't prove that this happened. There's actually no evidence to support this whatsoever, but it makes me feel better to believe it. It just makes more sense. So there. 

A flurry of lightsaber clashes erupted. It reminded me of when Qui-Gon and I took on Maul. Now Maul's kicks packed an even a greater wallop as a result of him being metal from the waist down. However, it barely budged Vader, and when Maul attempted another kick, Vader Force pushed his foot right into Kilgore's face. How exciting!

If I weren't so terrified, I would have been enjoying this battle more, like the Mos Eisley onlookers. If these three titans suddenly realized I was here, they would temporarily combine forces to destroy me, and I wouldn't be able to stop them. 

There was some kind of verbal exchange between them, but I was too far to hear any of the trash talking. Maul spun, going low, as Kilgore went high. Vader jumped, kicking Maul in the face, and deflecting Kilgore's blade. Then Vader paused for a moment and tilted his head slightly like he was receiving a message. At that point Vader Force pushed Maul so hard that he crashed through the side of the transport vessel. He lifted the ship up and held it, as he Force choked Kilgore and lifted him off the ground as well. 

From behind one of the buildings Boba Fett, surprisingly with all four limbs reattached, flew towards the action. Vader crashed the ship to the ground, with Maul still inside. Boba Fett rammed into the back of Kilgore, breaking Vader's hold on him and sending him into the dirt. Vader once again lifted the ship and smashed it down. Boba landed and walked towards Kilgore, picking up the purple bladed saber. As Boba stood over a battered Kilgore, Vader used the Force to rip the transport ship open. When the sparks and smoke eventually cleared it was apparent that Maul was gone. He had somehow slipped into the crowd and disappeared. However, Boba Fett wouldn't allow Kilgore that same chance. As the once proud Jedi who had slain Jango Fett, looked up at his adversary, his own purple blade delicately severed his head from his body. A bloody mist and fleshy smoke filled the air. Boba Fett had finally gotten his revenge. 

The bounty hunter and the Sith Lord spoke briefly. Boba Fett attached the lightsaber to his belt and jet packed over Mos Eisley, no doubt searching for Maul. 

Darth Vader Force pulled Kilgore's head into his hands. He approached his TIE fighter. Before entering the ship, he turned his head and looked directly at me! I ducked behind the dune. Did he sense me?! I strongly considered running down there and trying to finish Vader off once and for all. But when I gathered the nerve to peek again, Darth Vader was already lifting off in his fighter, and quickly escaped the confines of this planet.


End file.
